2018 So Far

Posted: September 7, 2018 in Uncategorized

So this year has been a tumultuous mind fuck of epic proportions. For those who haven’t been following, I’ll catch you up…

October 2017, my husband of 6 years paroles from prison, and is finally home with me in the home I have managed to purchase for us after years of struggling and barely making ends meet. I get another couple of good months out of him before he reverts to old habits, including drugs and infidelity. In February 2018, I am admitted for an emergency surgery and kept 4 days in hospital for post-op and being treated to avoid sepsis. The day I was released from the hospital, I struggle, with incision issues and all, to load my father into his truck and carry him to the hospital for what will be the last time.

Three grueling weeks later, amidst much family love, I hold my daddy’s hand as he leaves this world, along with those of us who love him, behind. The night of his passing..Friday, March 9th…, and the weekend following, I nose dive off the sobriety wagon, taking solace in the poison that allows me to feel nothing.. the poison I had left behind me three years prior. During this time, I abandon my family, to comfort one another during the time of loss.

On Monday, I return home and I dry out. I clean up my act and within a week’s time, I rid my home of any and all remnants of the shit I’d turned to in my time of hurt. March 21st, three days before my father’s celebration of life, my husband goes back to jail. Based on his actions and choices along the way, I know now he expected it. It was almost as if he’d planned it. I did someone else’s duty in explaining that life to his new girlfriend, the woman he spent his time and energy on, the time and energy that should have been mine, that I’d earned all those months and years before. Nevertheless, I did it because no one was there to tell me what I was getting into years ago when I fell into his web myself.

I’d known of his infidelity as early as January. I just kept my mouth shut, in part because I could not rationalize everything I’d been through only to end up with nothing, but also because I didn’t want my father to worry about me. He had enough to worey about. Once we laid him to rest, we separated officially. I distanced myself from him and his girlfriend, and made efforts on my own. It was ugly, I sought comfort in places I shouldn’t under the guise of learning to socialize, to date, again. I’d been a kept woman for so long, I wasn’t familiar with how to be a solitary woman.

I lost my job. My mental health wasn’t what it should be. I opened my home to friends who didn’t do right by me, and I learned from the experiences, hard learned as it may have been. My dog. She was killed accidentally by the puppy I rescued a few months prior. This loss cut deep but I survived, in no small part thanks to my new man. Throughout everything though, I have become acutely aware of how little I feel about everything. Maybe it’s a breaking point, maybe it’s depression. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me. Or maybe I’ve just hit the pivotal coping method to deal with all the loss in my life. I still am not sure to this day.

Skip forward to August, I have a new man in my life. This man had lived. He has seen the world. He has served his country. He has struggled. He has survived. He rekindled something in me. Maybe it was ambition, motivation, desire. Whatever it is, he made me want to be more than the stagnant husk I had become. We have plans. We have goals. He celebrates the fact that I am taking on the last semester of undergrad. He applauds my ability to persevere despite everything.

Despite financial struggles thus far, overcome in no small part thanks to my family and my love, I’m going to be okay. I begin a part-time, paid internship shortly, and soon after, I begin work at a full time job working third shift. This semester is going to be tough, between 60+ hour work weeks, along with school full time, but it’s going to be worth it. For the first time in months, I see a future. I’m excited about what next year will bring.. this year has sucked but next year has potential. For that, I am grateful.

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